5 things you need to know when mom or dad moves in

Sometimes, being a member of the sandwich generation is no picnic.

Almost half of adult caregivers between 35 and 62 live with the parent or relative they care for, and these caregivers face is skyrocketing stress levels.

Lack of planning, communication and understanding can make matters worse, says Bob Bird, owner of New Castle County’s Home Instead Senior Care, recalling one situation where a man's mother moved in. His wife didn’t want anything to do with mom, and his teenage son expressed his feelings by setting up a drum set outside his grandma's bedroom and practicing regularly. Visiting Home Instead Senior Care employees eventually helped referee the dispute.

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if the grandson was a decent drummer,” Bird joked. But seriously, there are things families can do to help. Bird recently talked with the Community News about lowering stress on move-in day and beyond.

1. Know when its time to talk to mom or dad

Two factors determine when it’s time for an older relative to move out of their home: safety and quality of life. Safety factors include fall risks, not eating right, forgetting to take medication and dementia when the risk of a loved one wandering off or endangering themselves is high. Quality of life issues are harder to define, but if loneliness is a concern for a parent living alone, they may find it rewarding to move in with adult children and help care for grandchildren, he said.

Key: Open, honest communication when starting a conversation about moving.

2. Plan for the move

Think ahead about your what changes and updates your home will need for your loved one: from brighter hallway lighting, to door handles an arthritic hand can grip, doorways that can accommodate walkers or wheelchairs, and walker-friendly commercial grade carpet.

Key: Starting outside the front door with a notebook, walk through your home, imagining your loved one's unique physical needs.

3. Prepare for challenges

Lack of time, proximity of people and inability to find space and respite, are common stresses for caregivers who live with an aging loved one. People can get so involved caring for a relative that they forget to take care of themselves, he said.

Key: Remember, everyone – caregivers, their children and live-in loved ones – need emotional and space for the new arrangement to work. Make sure your loved one has his or her own physical space.

4. Know your relative

Knowledge is the best way to reduce stress. No matter how much preparation a family does, a move is jarring for an older relative. It will take them time to adjust to new surroundings, and it’s important that family members show patience.

Key: learn what what is normal behavior for the loved one, and which reactions from caregivers help or hinder a situation.

5. Know your options

The average cost of a nursing home in New Castle County is $5,000 - $6,000 a month, and it is not covered by Medicare. In-home caregivers can customize the level of care from a handful of  30-minute visits each month to comprehensive, 24-hour care. Think outside the box: sometimes it’s easier for adult children to move into their older loved one's home than to bring them into yours.

Key: Study every option from a financial feasibility and quality-of-life perspective.

For a free copy of Home Instead Senior Care’s handbook, call 654-4003. More Home Instead resources: Too Close for Comfort and Care Giver Stress.

Quotable: breaking the sound barrier

“There is often denial among adult children about what’s really going on with mom and dad. And, there’s often a reluctance on the part of mom and dad to bring up issues that may limit their independence or alarm their adult children."

- Bob Bird, owner of Home Instead Senior Care in New Castle County

Small things you can do to keep your house from becoming a parent trap

1. Add a lower peephole. Osteoporosis can reduce the height of seniors, making it difficult for them to look through a door’s peephole. An additional, lower peephole can be installed easily. Pricetag: $50.
2. Install outside shelves. Seniors returning home with groceries or packages may need to set  merchandise down to keep from falling. Pricetag: shelves & brackets $75
3. Combine the kitchen faucet and hose. A combination faucet/spray hose can be much easier for a senior to use. Pricetag: $350
4. Create attic storage. Attach plywood board to attic beams to create storage space for your senior’s possessions. It costs about $2,000 to remodel an average attic.